The Ten Commandments to a Miserable Life
1. Pinch every penny
Being a penny-pinching individual is one of the, if not the, most effective way to attain misery.
We must assure every single digit is accurate. During dinner with friends, for example, split everything with the accuracy of two decimal places. It is a sin to round up and give away our hard-earned money.
Visit the farther supermarket that sells the $0.50-cheaper mango. Our hard-earned money should not go to waste! Grab every bargain wherever it is. It only costs us one more hour on transport anyway.
This key will not only help us achieve misery but also everyone around us. It is like killing two birds with one stone.
2. Get involved in and win every argument
We must prove to everyone we are correct, every single time — no matter where the arguments are (at dinner, in a meeting, on Twitter, everywhere). Embroil in as many arguments as possible. Your works can wait, but the world cannot wait to be corrected.
Do not falter. It is a sin to let people — we think dumber than us — win over us. We should not let that happen. Our pride is at stake.
When we are proven wrong, start to bring up their personal life. Whatever the previous argument is, the last standing person wins. Be the last standing person. Be the winner.
3. Eat cheap food
Why buy stupid, tasteless, expensive, healthy food when there is a McDonald’s nearby? It is healthy anyway. The burger has those green leafy things, the meat, and the egg. More importantly, it tastes good. Surely, it is healthy enough to get us going.
Eat cheap food. It usually has a bigger portion anyway. Value for money it is.
P.S. everyone is going to die anyway.
4. Be logical every time
Never use our feelings! We must always use our critical thinking.
Feelings are only for stupid, lame, weak people. We must weigh everything objectively.
When picking a partner, choose the one that has the most value. Weigh them according to their looks, wealth, height, and everything measurable, objectively. We must think straight every single time. Always.
5. Hide our emotions
Emotions are for the weak, dramatic, immature people. Conceal our emotions. Bury them deep inside. Do not feel. It is a weakness to feel sad, stressed, or burnt out. They are just hormones.
When we feel emotions, suppress them and return to work. Only the toughs get going, and the toughs don’t feel pain. Be a machine.
6. Accept everyone’s requests
When we receive a request, always, always, always accept, at least accept most of the time. We must show that we are good people. We should not say no to people. It is better to please everyone than to please ourselves.
When people invite us to a party we don’t like, go for it.
When people ask you to take responsibility, take it.
When people tell us to drink something we don’t like, drink it!
We never want to disappoint. We please everyone. We are the people-pleasers.
7. Respond to everyone’s ASAP
When the phone rings (email, Instagram, Twitter, slack, discord, whatever), respond as soon as possible.
Its importance does not matter. Quick responses mean respecting others’ time. We must be the bigger man here. My work can stop; theirs might not. People’s agenda > our agenda. Do not be selfish.
Found a notebook from primary school? Don’t throw it away! We might need it.
Found a spatula we never use? Keep it!
Wardrobe getting stuffy? Move some items elsewhere, or better, buy a bigger wardrobe.
Never dispose of anything. If it still functions, keep it, whether we use it or not. Remember the magic words: “just in case.”
It is better to be prepared than to be exposed when the needs arise.
9. Do not rest too much
GRIND, GRIND, GRIND. Sleep can wait. We don’t need 8 hours of sleep every day anyway. What matters is our productivity. What matters is the products of our work.
A cup of freshly brewed coffee is all we need when we feel exhausted. It is more effective than sleep.
I am young. I am strong. I can keep going for hours. Rest can wait.
What we do during sleep anyway? Nothing! It does not do anything productive to our life.
10. Be jealous
When we see taller, smarter, more good-looking people, always tell ourselves that they are lucky to get good genetics.
When we see shorter, dumber, uglier than us doing better in their life, always tell yourselves that they are lucky to have the odds with them.
When things go against our desires, we are the victim. Blame the luck. Be jealous.
With these ten tips, I hope we can not only make ourselves miserable but also everyone around us.